Emotional Intelligence

I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t know that emotional intelligence was a thing until a few years ago while taking a course. It’s something that we just practiced without knowing we were doing it.   From a young age we learned to regulate our feelings so that those around us weren't made to feel uncomfortable....probably much to our detriment because you couldn't truly be yourself in public.  Because you tried to be nice to everyone, even if you didn't really like them, you were forced to "fake the funk" with some people.   

Growing up in a predominantly Caucasian area in the 70's meant that you had to learn to navigate the requests to touch your hair and skin because it looks "so different".  I had to navigate the looks and stares as I  walked into the music conservatory for lessons because, "why was I  there?"  Also growing up in a Caribbean household, I wasn’t  really allowed to express my feelings freely.  Responding to a parent in anger or with an attitude was a punishable offense or so it seemed. I was not eager to find out either!   Feelings weren't something we talked about in our household.   For me, my feelings were worked out through music. My therapy was “practicing” the piano.  

In taking the aforementioned course, students had to  take a test to find out what our emotional strengths & weaknesses were.  Surprisingly, I scored pretty highly in the area of emotional intelligence. It was not because I was so aware but because I think growing up I'd learned to adjust to the people around me so as not to be viewed as annoying or immature.   I'm the youngest of three and my name is Kathy. My often talkative nature stuck me with the nickname "Chatty Kathy".  One of my love languages is quality time and being the youngest, you tend to be a pain trying to get attention from everyone.  And I always had the most exciting days and needed to tell everyone about them...haha!! (Not much has changed). Anyhoo, in “self-regulating” my emotions, I muted myself to accommodate everyone around me.  “Don't talk so much”, “don't be annoying”, “go away, go downstairs”...were phrases I heard often as a kid.  The theme of my childhood was to be seen and not heard. As   I grow up, I remember those things so that  people will "like" me…”don't talk too much”,  “you might bore others”, “don't be "too happy" it might make someone else feel bad”, “don't say anything 'out of pocket' you might hurt someone's feelings”, “ be aware of people's expressions when you speak they might be getting bored or don't care about what you're saying”, “be aware of people's body language when you speak”, etc, etc...all of it running through my head while in conversations. During conversation  I focused on how to “remember to smile and show interest in others when they speak”,  while listening and staying present in the moment.  Oh gosh, what did he/she say? Laugh but not too loud or too long.  Whew!! So exhausting.  And I think I self-regulated myself out of a personality!! Geesh!!  

I guess I would say that I am probably hyper aware of recognizing how my emotions and feelings might affect others. But I’m glad, to a degree, that I am aware of how I’m feeling and regulate accordingly, not to diminish or change them but to feel them and be 'ok' with them,  then navigate and interact accordingly...being true to myself and who I've become as a result.